I’m not sure if I’m feeling tired today, or if my passion is slowly fading away. Maybe this is just growing up, and maybe that naive kid isn’t so naive anymore. My life isn’t necessarily at a standstill.. But I’m just unsure today. Tomorrow I’ll probably be more optimistic, but today I’m seeing the glass half empty. I don’t know if what I’m doing is going to take me anywhere, I don’t know if this time I’m investing is being wasted when I could be doing something that’s going to benefit me much more. I hate these ups and downs, I hate looking for something that I don’t know. I guess I just need to be patient, and have some faith. Everything is going to be okay. Maybe I’m just tired today.

People are always worried no one will fall in love with them, but it scares me more that I won’t fall in love with anyone.

I think I’ve just gotten bitter, yo. But it’s good. It’s a cutthroat type of bitterness. I’m feeling motivated and I’m feeling focused, even though I don’t know exactly what I want to do. Is it bad that I feel better than everyone else? Not an ignorant, “my-shit-don’t-stink” type of better, but I feel like I know something these people around me don’t… even though I’m just as clueless as them. I don’t have a set plan, I don’t have a list of things I want done, but I’m ready and prepared for everything. I think I’m going to be doing some good things over the summer, at least I hope I will. I’m going to be making moves while everyone else around me is just going through the fucking motions. There is no rush, but there is a sense of urgency. I just want to do things that are bigger than me, and bigger than the people around me ever thought I could do. Fuck you if you doubt me.

“I used to have a group, that group used to wear Adidas and Troop… and then I got stupid and left them niggas and said I’m better than ya’ll, and that was true. Now when I finally got the power man, what the fuck did I do?” - Kanye West

minimalism is perfection.

I’m here cleaning my room intensely and going through stuff I don’t need anymore, but it’s crazy all of the memories you find. And it’s sad finding these things that you know you saved for a reason, but you can’t remember why. That’s life I guess.

about how life tends to happen. How most of us are only here for a little bit, and then life decides to take us in another route. He was telling me how him and his mom were going through her high school yearbook one day, and how she went through and would look at the faces and point, “Oh I used to have such a crush on this guy,” “Oh I used to think we were going to get married,” “Oh s/he was my best friend,” and it’s odd, because you know we asked ourselves:

“You know, what are we going to say 15 years down the road? Are the people we care about right now just going to be memories soon? Are we going to be able to sit with our kids one day and just laugh about how stupid naive we were in thinking certain things would happen?”

I think it’s interesting. I think it makes me a little sad, but makes me appreciate life a little more. It’s weird already feeling nostalgic, when I haven’t even left this place. When I don’t even know where I’m going, but I feel like I’m already leaving. I don’t like feeling nostalgic. I don’t like reminiscing. Some days I wish things could just stay the way they are. I don’t want to grow up.. I just want things to stay the same. Some days. Other days, I’m ready for it. I’m ready to go back and forth with life until I get to where I want to go. But in 10 years, how good will my life have to be, to where I will be able to laugh and appreciate the life I’m living right now?

Who am I going to miss, who am I going to forget.. I don’t want to forget those people that I miss. I don’t want to miss those people at all. I want them to be with me throughout my entire life. But I don’t think that’s how life always works.

I just ended something perfect with someone that was perfect. Someone that probably knows me better than myself and is everything that I’ve wanted in a girl. Please y’all, if you want someone, just put your pride aside, I can’t. I couldn’t. I mean she was my first love you feel me, she was that girl. And it’s just like, she didn’t want me the first time a year ago, and I know this time around she was a different person, a better person. A person that changed for the better. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. But you know she was that girl that broke my heart that first time, and it’s just like ever since then, I’ve learned not to hand my heart out. And this time around it’s like this is the girl of my dreams, but my pride is in the way. It’s like the old me is completely indulged in the idea of being with her but this new me is stopping it from happening. And I fucked up, 100% fucked up. Fucked up so much that my words hold no water, nothing I can say or do to change it. If I had just appreciated what I had in the first place, and not been so scared, none of this would have happened.

Can already say that this was the biggest regret of my life. I got burned once, and then I got a second opportunity and fucked it up. Everything I said I never be I really did become. I never wanted to be that guy who was heartless and didn’t give a shit, I never wanted to waste people’s time, and never wanted to take advantage of others and their trust, because I had always been that guy that girls did that to. But I somehow did, and it’s making me sick thinking about how I didn’t even realize what I have become.

I guess my lesson here is just to give people your all.. Don’t wait. We are only here for a little while so don’t give people less than everything. But don’t do what I did. Please learn from my mistakes because it’s literally going to eat you up inside. It’s going to kill you. It’s not fair for you or the other person. Too little too late I suppose. I just wish I could have listened to my own advice. There’s so much more to say, but I can’t even express it all. I’m sorry Mariah.

“I’m just trying to say, life is too short, though I make mistakes baby I’m trying to make things right…”

I became.

My momma leaves to Georgia in the AM, she’s leaving Texas to go work there for a year. She’s had to look for jobs out of state because there are no good jobs around here, but she’s been blessed to have an opportunity find a job there. Funny, I always thought I’d be the one leaving the house first.

I’ve lost a lot of good people. I’ve passed people up.. maybe because they weren’t good enough for me, but I think the reason why is because I’m content with myself. I’ve missed opportunities to be with a lot of great people, and I guess maybe I’m scared. Not scared to be in a relationship again, but I’m just comfortable with myself. Maybe I give the wrong impressions. It’s so odd that people want to actually be with me, and it’s getting to the point where I’ve just ignored it all and I’ve just automatically just turn down everyone. I’ve always told myself though that I need to take care of myself first before I can even think about taking care of someone else. I need to worry about me first, and not another. But I can take care of myself, I do have myself in check, and I have all my issues under control for once. I just don’t want to get out of this habit. I’ve finally found a medium in between it all, it’s not worth the effort to change. Maybe I’ve just given up on the thought of having someone, or at least it’s just not what I want right now.

Today I just kinda relaxed with one of my best friends Alex. Well Alex tore his ACL playing soccer a couple weeks ago, and he had surgery Friday. He lives right by me so I decided I’d pay him a visit. But it was cool man. Today was just relaxing, watching the basketball games that were on, just bullshittin. I just feel like everyone should have something like that. To have a good time with people you care about, whether it be with family or friends, I just feel like I’d be so lost with people like Alex and like my family.

In this life we only have a few opportunities to have people to be there with us through the good and bad. There are only a few times in our lives to be able to build connections with people that are gonna last your whole life. Life would be so much more difficult alone. It would be so much hard to not have the friends that I do. Truly blessed.

I just want to stress to people to go out and be you. Find those people who are gonna take you for you; those that won’t take advantage of you, or take you for granted. Find people that are going to respect you. Find people that are going to appreciate you, and appreciate them. They won’t be there much longer if you overlook them.

Appreciate it if y’all would continue to keep my mom in y’alls thoughts and prayers tonight, she’ll be in the hospital tonight after feeling some heart problems. I mean I know y’all don’t know me personally, but I just figure it doesn’t hurt to ask. Thanks in advance everyone.

it’s always something man.. sadly. But I know God’s got a plan. It’d be appreciated if everyone who reads this kept my momma in their thoughts and prayers tonight, thank you. Love.