got accepted to the University of Texas in Austin today. feels good to say i’m finally a Longhorn. out of high school i wouldn’t believe you if you told me this day would come. almost two years later, i made it happen. hard work pays off. hungrier than ever now
everything is going exactly the way it shouldn’t be going. at the worst time. i feel like i’m losing a handle on everything i thought i had.
i’ve heard, “what are we?” too many times. could be a different person, but it’s always the same scenario. but the reality for all those is that i’m a dead end. i can’t give them a relationship. i’m too focused on other shit. i feel their pain. though i don’t show it. what i worry is that one day i’m gonna look around and i got no one because i pushed everyone away. sacrifices.
anxiety is building. gotta get these negative “what if’s” out my head
i hate illness. i hate that mom is sick and there’s nothing i can do. that doctors don’t know what the problem is. i hate that it’s so hard to stay positive. hate that there is more ups than downs. why isn’t there anything i can do. why. why can’t things be better. why can’t i take care of her. why don’t i have the money for good doctors. i wish as quickly as it came it all would go away. why. i don’t understand. why does she have to suffer. why can’t it be me. i just feel so powerless
i don’t know how many times i’ve heard someone tell me, “you’re gonna be fucking alone if you keep pushing people away.”
everything in life is so, arbitrary. sometimes we just end up in certain places, or do certain things without any intention to. we often go through life and moments without thinking that these things won’t happen again, and that sucks. it’s impossible to appreciate every moment, though i wish i could. we are always in a rush, or we are bothered, or we are doing something else, to just sit and take in each event in life. it’s scary to think about being alive 10 years down the road, and not remember how i got there. to not remember the important events in life. i just know life is short, and we are all too caught up in ourselves to appreciate what’s around us sometimes. what’s difficult is knowing that everything and everyone around you is here for a short period of time, and you don’t know how long they are here for.
"i wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days, before you’ve actually left them."
you could fail.
I SWEAR I’M GONNA DO EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO IN THIS LIFETIME GOD WILLING. I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES, I REFUSE TO BE SATISFIED WITH DOING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING AND WALKING THE SAME PATH EVERY ONE ELSE WALKS. I WANT TO DO GREAT THINGS I WANT TO DO AND CREATE THINGS BIGGER THAN ME. PEOPLE WANT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BUT I WANT TO BUILD. PEOPLE WANT A DEGREE BUT THAT’S JUST MY PLAN B. PEOPLE WANT A JOB BUT I WANT A LEGACY. MAYBE I’M DELUSIONAL AND STUPID BUT I’D BE CRAZY NOT TO TRY. MY ONLY FEAR IS MEDIOCRITY. LIFE DOES NOT COME AROUND TWICE.
I AIN’T CRAZY, I’M JUST NOT SATISFIED.