i hate illness. i hate that mom is sick and there’s nothing i can do. that doctors don’t know what the problem is. i hate that it’s so hard to stay positive. hate that there is more ups than downs. why isn’t there anything i can do. why. why can’t things be better. why can’t i take care of her. why don’t i have the money for good doctors. i wish as quickly as it came it all would go away. why. i don’t understand. why does she have to suffer. why can’t it be me. i just feel so powerless
i don’t know how many times i’ve heard someone tell me, “you’re gonna be fucking alone if you keep pushing people away.”
everything in life is so, arbitrary. sometimes we just end up in certain places, or do certain things without any intention to. we often go through life and moments without thinking that these things won’t happen again, and that sucks. it’s impossible to appreciate every moment, though i wish i could. we are always in a rush, or we are bothered, or we are doing something else, to just sit and take in each event in life. it’s scary to think about being alive 10 years down the road, and not remember how i got there. to not remember the important events in life. i just know life is short, and we are all too caught up in ourselves to appreciate what’s around us sometimes. what’s difficult is knowing that everything and everyone around you is here for a short period of time, and you don’t know how long they are here for.
"i wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days, before you’ve actually left them."
you could fail.
I SWEAR I’M GONNA DO EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO IN THIS LIFETIME GOD WILLING. I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES, I REFUSE TO BE SATISFIED WITH DOING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING AND WALKING THE SAME PATH EVERY ONE ELSE WALKS. I WANT TO DO GREAT THINGS I WANT TO DO AND CREATE THINGS BIGGER THAN ME. PEOPLE WANT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER BUT I WANT TO BUILD. PEOPLE WANT A DEGREE BUT THAT’S JUST MY PLAN B. PEOPLE WANT A JOB BUT I WANT A LEGACY. MAYBE I’M DELUSIONAL AND STUPID BUT I’D BE CRAZY NOT TO TRY. MY ONLY FEAR IS MEDIOCRITY. LIFE DOES NOT COME AROUND TWICE.
I AIN’T CRAZY, I’M JUST NOT SATISFIED.
it’s tough trying to balance every aspect of life. i can’t do it all. i’m sure some can, but I can’t. the more energy and effort i put into one thing, another thing in life will suffer. patience is difficult. but nonetheless, one thing at a time.
it’s so hard to fathom how literal life can change in an instant. i have a friend who at the moment is dealing with her 7 year old brother fighting for his life because he was struck by lightning. by lightning, man. at that moment, everything changed. his life changed, people’s lives changed- at the strike of lightning hitting an innocent little boy… i just, i can’t. there are no words that can describe the emotions. being blindsided like that is something no one deserves. but life’s not fair, i’ve learned it the hard way. life’s precious man. each day is not promised, even though i was always told life goes on..
i think i just really wanna inspire people man. like i just want to be giving people hope, making their lives better. making people’s lives better will make me better. i just want to be an example for people you know, that you really can do whatever you put your mind to, you can do whatever your heart desires. that you don’t have to be extraordinarily talented, you just gotta want it bad enough and work at it. i suppose that’s why i want to make it. to make it in “what” i don’t know, but to just make it where i’m supposed to go. make it not only for myself, but for everybody else. but maybe i’m just in over my head.